I’m dealing with a monster that has been growing and getting stronger for years now. Largely owing to the fact that I have been reluctant, hesitant, stubbornly refusing to confront it and face it and tame it. I run, and I escape, with whatever means I find presented in front of me, or whatever means I find to be most accessible. If I’m lucky, that means it comes out in the form of words strung together eloquently – most often it means I escape with a self-imposed slumber, I sleep.
It gets tiring. I seek meaning in everything. In every little detail of life, of my every day. Why did I have that conversation with that person today – what was the purpose of it? What did I get out of it? What did they think of it? Will it impact them? Will it change my life forever? Why do the leaves on that tree move like that conditioned by the wind? Assign meaning to it, fix a metaphor to it, use it to explain an unsolved mystery of life.
Find a reason for being. A reason for it being, a reason for your being.
Perhaps it is an art form worth cultivating. Metaphors and analogies exercise your brain to relate different things together on common ground. But perhaps, it is meaningless to assign meaning to meaningless things.
Thoughts are too loud, too noisy, unfiltered. Sometimes, it’s overwhelming and a wave of anxiety washes over me – drowning, suffocating me – before it passes and I’m able to catch a breath of air again. I make sure to take deep breaths. To savor it and the calm it brings with it. To feel my heart beat slow down again. I slow down.
All I seek for now is clarity. There must be a formula. It really shouldn’t be this hard and if it is then why does everyone make it look so easy?
I know that this stems from being alone, left with only myself. I’ve never been good with myself. My reflections have never been kind to me.
I know what I have to do, but why does it feel so difficult to get started.
I need to tell myself, “it’s okay.”
And to keep telling myself this until I believe in it.
Until it’s easy and natural.
Because now every time I try to, my mind kicks it out, rejecting it, refusing it.
“NO, IT’S NOT OKAY”
Perhaps it stems from years of being “believed in”. To constantly find yourself in situations where greatness is just expected, the norm, and the only surprise comes when you do not deliver – not when you actually do.
It’s particularly discomforting to be in a position where you start to question what you had always thought to be your fundamentals – the essence of you.
For so long, I preached against being content, against the whole notion of contentment. I believed inherently and so deeply that we are all here for a greater purpose, that we should always strive to achieve the potential that rests inert within us unless we actively realize it. To never stop reaching for ‘greatness’ – however vague, abstract or undefined that ‘greatness’ may be. And this philosophy I’ve been preaching has unknowingly, under my radar, grown itself to be a monster blanketing over me. It is suffocating. I rest uneasy, uncomfortable, always itching to be more or less than content. Anything but the emptiness, the apathy, which I associate with contentment. But perhaps contentment is much deeper. Perhaps I’ve always underrated it. Perhaps it’s what I should work towards.
I had always thought I was empathetic – that I was blessed/cursed with the ability to understand another human. I now realize all I did was project my own self into another human’s situation with my own set of ideals, philosophies and emotions. I am not as empathetic as I thought.
In studying art in high school, I was drawn to the Japanese ideology of wabi-sabi – the art of accepting the impermanent, the incomplete and the imperfect. I relished in the power that came with the ability to create without judgement. I valued creation over perfection. But it seems lately, perhaps due to certain self-defined failures, that my hesitation over achieving perfection impedes my spirit for creation.
I found relief in the art of letting go. I accepted the fact that I wasn’t born a leader, and that the role wasn’t something I found to be naturally comfortable. I didn’t need control. But the last 5 years have slowly shown me the discomfort of not being in control. Perhaps it has always been there and only now come to be visible after the dissolving of naivety. Perhaps the change in perception came naturally with the change in maturity – a product of increased self-awareness. Or so I tell myself to make it easier to digest.
I realize now that many things are down to sheer chance. So many good things are born out of the uncontrollable alignment of timing and luck. It makes me nauseous that no matter how hard you try, how much effort you put in, won’t really matter if the wind isn’t blowing a certain direction at a certain speed or the leaves aren’t a certain shade of green yet, or that the person who matters isn’t in the same room as you – all these factors which may seem random may have the most profound impacts, yet you can’t control any of it. Your history and experience which you value so much, which makes the core of your existence may not mean as much as whether or not you decide to get out of bed, and go to that seminar, and meet that person. The past and future are concepts.
Maybe for too long, you have constantly distracted yourself from your own self. Constantly cared about everything else but your own self. You devote yourself to your work, to the people around you, to your environment. You cut your heart open and let your love spill out. Maybe it’s time to keep it to yourself now.
Treat yourself. Give yourself time.
No, give yourself actual, quality time.
Be at peace with yourself.
Accept all the mistakes you have made, own up to it, be responsible for yourself.
For all the things which come naturally when you deal with others: kindness, generosity, curiosity, empathy, belief, sincerity, trust and responsibility – you owe it to yourself to treat your own self with the same degree, if not more.
Practice this.
Be kind to yourself.
Be generous to yourself.
Be curious of yourself.
Be empathetic to yourself.
Believe in yourself.
Be sincere to yourself.
Trust yourself.
Be responsible of yourself, your actions, your intentions, your thoughts, your words, your existence.
Exercise mindfulness.
Find contentment. And let it stay.
Let contentment blanket you in its warmth and comfort – not too cold, not too hot, the contentment that comes with “just right”.
You are not crazy. You are not weak. You are not incompetent.
You are you.
It's Just Haziq 