I am not perfect. Nobody is.
I’m struggling. I know I’m lost, but I also know that that only means I have to try and find my way. I feel comfortable in this. That this is my journey and that I didn’t have a predetermined future. My faith is far beyond shaken, but I choose to believe in God. For some reason, no matter how many times I’ve felt strongly against the concept of religion, I do feel a strong connection to this idea of a single God. I may see innocent people get killed and the bad get rewarded, and I endlessly question the reason behind this, but God is there. I don’t know, I just can’t shake that feeling off and I’m glad. I think it brings me comfort.
I must admit though – I question life. I question its purpose and my own purpose of having a life. Is it fair to think that perhaps the ego of humans is the only thing that made us believe that we even have the right to question the purpose of life? Do insects question their purpose? Or even cells. They are living beings too. I wonder.
And I wonder, why. Why do we see good people get beat down? I have turned into a pessimist who regularly uses the word “fuck” in daily conversations. I can’t help it. I’m saturated with despair, anger and frustration. I would like to label myself as a good person but I know I am far from it. Is it that this applies to everyone out there? That those we perceive to be good people may just be the worst people? Or perhaps it is that suffering which makes the people, good? A cause and effect mystery. Which came first? The suffering or the good? The rewards or the evil?
And I get frustrated knowing that all this thinking, and all this worrying, and all this sadness, all these tears that have fallen for the sadness of others, the worries that others have gone through, I know that it all amounts to nothing. But it doesn’t for a second stop how real it is. How real it is that my friends and the people I love are going through fucked up shit constantly. That innocent people are suffering and the evil constantly rewarded. I fail to understand this over and over, and I try so hard. I don’t know how to keep doing this anymore. Our daily lives are so trivial. And I can’t help but feel that we all have a bigger purpose than this. That we are not meant to go to offices and sit in a little corner for 8 hours a day, come back exhausted, just to repeat the same thing 5 days in a row. No, I refuse this to be the accepted norm. It can’t be.
And why do people keep so many secrets. Why are we all playing games with each other. Why can’t you just be honest to me and I be honest to you. We are all flawed and fucked up. Why can’t we all just accept that. That deep inside, we all have the potential to be murderers, rapists, psychotic weirdo freaks. Fuck. Wouldn’t it all be easier if we were all honest? Some people believe that life is all about finding happiness, before we die and cease to exist. How can anyone find even a grain of happiness when everyone is plotting secret agendas.
I do not think that I am the most holy, the best or the perfect image of a human being but instead wish we could all just accept that no one is.
I wish that the world was fair. That people get what they deserve and everything just worked. That everything was just simple. It’s a shame then that we only experience that as a child. If life was reversed, we’d be born with this fucked up world and as we age we’d see the beauty in life, and laugh and joke and be innocent. We would have known what drugs, alcohol and sex were but we wouldn’t have needed them. We’d have our finger paints, toy cars and mommy’s hugs.
I do wish that I’ll see the light sooner rather than later. To laugh with no second thoughts and that everything and everyone was happy. I know this won’t happen but I sure as hell won’t stop believing, hoping and wishing for it.