it’s a sad thing to know that you have been pushed out of the position to make someone happy – the only relief is to know someone can replace you – but in that relief is pure pain and agony. I miss you.

I normally only write as a means to relieve myself of anguish or anger. But maybe it’s time to put down in words the positives of life.

I appreciate being able to wake up and look out to the world, with its green and blue horizon. Being able to witness the human race going about its daily life and being a part of it. I appreciate being able to appreciate. I appreciate words and I appreciate you reading this. I appreciate having parents I look up to very much and appreciate how they have raised me. I appreciate having siblings that I know would be there for me, though I try not to have to have someone to have to be there. I appreciate silence and I appreciate the breeze. The sun, rain and all its glory. I appreciate my able limbs and able mind. I appreciate emotions – that every living soul has them. I appreciate that I can look at a human, a tortoise or a cat and being able to feel connected. I appreciate it.

I woke up today and looked out to the world and I appreciate it.

I always have, and always will.

Let not sadness succumb me. Please.

I’m unsure of how long I can last. To hurt and to be hurt. Although pain is relative, it is truth. And to trivialize and compare pain is inhumane. The death of a loved one is equal to a child’s first cut – if the child says so.

fuck.

I can’t.

Get out, get out, get out

If your body didn’t demand that you need sleep, would you still sleep?

I don’t think I would and that scares me.

It makes me realize the height of my discontent with the here and now. That I can’t afford to waste time – that I must use each and every second I have to pave the way to a happier future. I can’t seem to accept this seemingly slow but truthfully vicious transition into adulthood – and all the nasties that come with it. To realize that stereotypes are there for a reason – because men will actually always be men. To realize that no one appreciates or cares. To know that you are not that special – even to yourself. Honestly, it depresses me. And I try to console myself – chanting like a mantra “it will get better if you can get out, get out, get out.” But I know it’s not true. I know it. To find yourself in a horrible mess without ever having evil intentions – it just happened that way. To want nothing but to escape yet knowing that the same shit would happen irregardless of where I am or who I meet. Every 4 years on average I move countries, schools, faces. It’s become a habit, just a matter of fact. That my anchor was cut loose a while ago.

Dreamers

Dreamers truly are the saddest people out there. Those who have it good are living their dreams – they managed to convert. Their dreams are now their reality. Those who don’t dream – well, nothing really matters does it.

But it’s the dreamers. Those who wake up everyday with that spark within them that they believe “Today is the day. Today I make a change. Today.” They go to sleep at night feeling lost and unsettled. They can’t seem to shake it off. They have such big, grand and seemingly unreachable goals set for themselves. But they can’t help it. They can’t go through the day without making a conscious effort to make that day count. They realize that the sum of a few wasted days is innumerable and unquantifiable.

They have the biggest smiles and optimism – but they are the saddest bunch.

All We Need

Sometimes, I wish society hadn’t evolved the way it has. That we wouldn’t be so scared and paranoid. That we could be kind to each other without second guessing what everyone’s motives were. That I could tell a stranger who just walked in my life that I appreciate them – that I don’t think of them as a stranger. That the smallest acts and the shortest words actually mean a lot more than they probably should. I wish I could let them know that they have all played a role in shaping me as a person, every single smile or frown, compliment or insult. I wish they all knew that I could never put into words just how much it means when they share a piece of themselves with me. I wish for all of this without having to doubt or worry about appearing as an oversentimental creep. And I wish that people could do the same to me, without me thinking of it wrongly too. Because, sometimes, that’s all we need. That assurance of what people think of you. To feel understood and to confirm the thoughts you imprison within yourselves. To hear those words said to you – “You are appreciated. You mean something to me. You are loved.”

Because, sometimes, that’s all we need to save ourselves.

Solitude is apparently what I need,
But solitude is all I’ve been having.

Kept inside, frustrated. Fuck.

Be at peace with yourself. Take care of yourself. Be okay with yourself.

Before you feel yourself slip too far away.