It’s Been A While

Catch twenty and two

a bad habit hard to break

The familiarity is a welcome distraction

Daily conversations, daily appreciation,

Comes with frustration, too.

 

Let go – drop

Falling down the gaping hole suddenly

opened up from the concrete ground

dizzy, semi-conscious, drowsy

and at times I wake up catch myself and I hold on to the sides

and I try to climb back up

but I just keep falling.

 

So quickly.

 

A day is only a day

when the sun has risen and set

and I have talked to you.

Incomplete, otherwise.

 

And a break in that routine;

breaks me.

 

And words seem to carry a new kind of weight

And language is so beautiful when used with you

And maybe I’m completely blinded

because I see things not as I had always seen them

rosy, dreamy filters — everything’s just so much nicer.

 

For so long, I looked around me and I wondered

how people were able to commit, for so long

I wondered who could be so fulfilling

Who could be “enough” for another

and I liked that control but you

take that away but I

could be so happy with you

But it’s so scary but

you make me feel

I want to wait, and see you

and validate

I’ll wait

and perhaps for the first time, commit.

 

We’ve both grown and gone down

different paths life has shown us

of course, maybe we aren’t what we think

we are of each other

illusions, wishful thinking and

too many maybes,

but I’m not naive – just that

I look forward to making it work.

 

I don’t want to lose you again

And so I’ll try, and just enjoy this sweet ride

where ever it takes me

although I know that

maybe, it’s all just pure fantasy.

 

Maybe, we’re just meant to be

you as you and

me as me,

not as collective, we.

 

But I’ll wait and see.

Unfortunately

And that’s the difficult part

We stop and we start

And perhaps there isn’t even

A ‘we’ – just me, slowly realising.

 

I have been

Placed to hold a space

Vacant until the next

Temporary, but still I chase

Curated and deliberate texts.

 

It never breaks even,

rarer is love that is equal

Maybe it’s done as a favor while

Foolishly hoping for a sequel

 

And it’s difficult to feel

a deep sense of insecurity

suddenly come to reality

as a reminder of history.

 

And you say he should appreciate

That it’s an honor and a privilege

I wonder if it’s too early or too late

Do I run or stay and wait

feeling inadequate.

 

Consistency is the key

Sometimes I don’t see that in me.

Feeling somewhat unworthy

Figuratively, literally – unfortunately;

 

I’m pretty into you.

 

 

Cryptic

Thank you for the memories

 

Time has passed since, but still

You make me feel things and I’m not entirely sure.

 

I am reminded

A light rekindled

Fade out

 

I close my eyes and I can trace your smile

With your glowing eyes and subtle lips

That gently curves and I am taken

in, perfection.

 

I do adore you.

 

But when I say you’re beautiful

I don’t mean what others can see too

 

Yes, I am smitten and

Maybe it is the idea of you

No

 

You say it’s a phase

 

Yes, maybe it is,

No.

 

I worry that you aren’t willing

As I am, but then am I

I’m yet to know

 

But memories that lingered come alive now strong and vivid

Pulled out from the archives, the tracings come to life

And I follow them back to the moments I wish we had more of

Those memories, center stage and foreground, I smile

Background though, times when I could’ve, should’ve done more

Or done less.

I digress.

 

I was selfish.

 

Where are we now

Take it slow now

Here we are, now

 

We tiptoe

A dance

 

My words staccato

Encrypted nonsense

 

Disturbed flow

 

But none can match

How you make me use my words

And I love that, I do

 

And I know that, I’m lucky

I know you won’t admit it

At least not with words

 

I know that your words

Are reserved

 

Jumping, mischievous, curious

Cheeky and flirty words

For casual walks and fun dances

 

Episodes of yours

The drama, queen

Calling on your crew

Am I right guys?

 

Or otherwise for dark nights

Words of intense gravitas

Rarely are they conjured

Special when they are

Of intense hurt

Its rarity is good.

 

And you make me use my words.

 

I wish you were here

So our hands could meet

Like they did that night

 

I hadn’t felt such electricity since.

 

Our eyes could meet and

Our souls could speak

 

My hands placed on your hips

And we could dance

 

Lightly, furiously

Floating, skimming

Liquid movements

 

And I wish you were here so

 

We could dance

With more than just our words.

 

Swallow

I would swallow my words, but
it wouldn’t make me any less hungry
less thirsty for more, no it wouldn’t be
satisfying.

I would swallow my words, but
I would need something to wash it down with
water, wine, tea or coffee, or simply bravery
to keep it down
wash it down
hold it down
stay down.

I would swallow my words, and
I have many times before, but
it never tastes as good as
how good it smells, as
how good it looks, as
how I imagined it, but
I swallow, like
I have many times before, but
Sometimes I swallow without chewing, and
Sometimes it gets stuck in the back of my throat, and
Sometimes I’m just really not hungry but it’s forced down anyway, and
I swallow.

I would swallow my words, but
you see, what scares me,
and it is scary, you see,
more often than not
my words swallow me.

One Day at a Time

Life is transient, and

It’s meant to be so.

There’s a spectrum of feelings

We are blessed to feel

Joy, grief, pain and relief

Bliss, peace, harmony and agony.

And each feeling passes

None permanent.

We love and we lose

We give and we choose

We learn, and learn, and we learn

And we grow

And we don’t stop

Life doesn’t stop

Once it’s started it keeps going and rolling

… and drags you along with it

We were happy together

You are happy now

And I’ll be happy too.

One day at a time.

 

Grief

I could write a million pages
No blank spaces no page left blank
And I still wouldn’t be able to
Capture this grief.
To feel cornered and looked down
To feel so small and so powerless
To feel so much but do so little
And to know that I deserve all of this.
To be caught in between
Understanding, and refusing
To be glad, relieved
Or to be exhausted from sadness
To be at the lowest point
And sometimes being able to see
Past the horizon – light
But the days are so short and nights
So long.
To struggle.
To have given so much, and gained so much
Only to know it has to end.

An Ode to Words

When they turn their backs on us,

I’m grateful I still have you

to keep me company, comforted, warm

You move yourself, and organise yourself

You give structure – to yourself and to me.

You can break me, and my god, you really break me sometimes

You tear me apart.

But you also make me smile, at times

And you lift me up and out of darkness, sometimes

But you are honest

and I appreciate that

Your presence, in whatever form,

will always be better than an absence.

You let me know what they’re really thinking

Feeling, though sometimes it’s hidden

Unclean, impure, cloudy – at best.

But that’s okay. Thank you.

I turn to you

When they’ve turned their backs on us.