It just feels wrong. To have so much envy, jealousy and dissatisfaction of others’ successes and triumphs. To feel that it is unfair that they have done so much, unknowingly to others. Part of it is just anger at myself for not living up to the dreams that I thought of for myself. Another part says that I wouldn’t feel so bad if I was somewhat part of it. Even if I was just a person with whom they shared that feeling of joy and achievement, the struggles along the way – I’d be fine just being that person. I guess in the end it all boils down to loneliness, doesn’t it? To feel alone.
It’s been described many times before, that amongst a swarming crowd of people, you still feel so alone. But I guess the sad thing is, I can’t even get myself to be in a crowd. Reminds me of that magnetic field experiment with the iron fillings you do at school. A majority of the iron fillings would comfortably be forced to follow a pattern, but there are a few that are just deserted. Seems like they’ve lost their power or something.
I’ve grown up hand in hand with impermanence and transience, and I guess at times I’d even say it makes me comfortable. To just not be committed to any one thing. But there are moments too when it all just seems too much. Memories are loose and can’t seem to be strapped down to the seat. Any minor bumps and they’d fly right out through the windshield. People drift on and pass you by. Sometimes you even drift away from your own self, you lose yourself, you forget.
And then of course, there is the need for acceptance. Is it a need or a desire – I don’t really know. But acceptance. And the natural proceeding step, appreciation.
Your self esteem is shaken as you wonder why it can be so easy for people to just forget you. One glance around, and you see that others manage to stick to each other. Years later, and they are still friends. Miles apart, they talk everyday. Not the case with me, I guess.
This self-pity won’t get me anywhere though.